Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
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One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities