I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
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Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
john wicks are toilet candles
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark