Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
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Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Ha
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.