One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
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#damn
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
God, I love Scotland
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]