If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
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I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
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i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
no their not
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed