professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
My patronus is a cheeseburger