Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Siri: Retweet me.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.