I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
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I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday