Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
yeah no that’s fair
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk