my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
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Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Finally, an explanation.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.