My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
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[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve