them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
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Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.