Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
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ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Usage Guidelines
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
The Others (2001)
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Love this one 😂🧟
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not