mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Great game to play with friends
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.