“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
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Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Butt weight. There’s more!
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.