Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
You Might Also Like
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
True
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday