Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
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I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.