Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
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My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
sir, my pâté if you please
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE