Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
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what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
January is lasting longer than my marriage
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…