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Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
o shit
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
mood
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Labreador
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN