boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
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#Caturday
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.