seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
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Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.