“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
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Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Oceanography is all about current events
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit