This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
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The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
this post was so formative to me
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke