Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
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When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Yes my dude
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
The Book. The Movie.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas