Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
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I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.