Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
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I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
How dramatic are you?
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
me opening up to someone
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”