My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
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9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*