My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
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Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.