Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
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Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[montage of me giving-up]
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.