I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
You Might Also Like
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Not helping