Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
You Might Also Like
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Always a metermaid never a meter
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I never know how much to tip a cow.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan