Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
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Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.