Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
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The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
How animals would run if they were human
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike: