If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
You Might Also Like
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
This pepper has seen some shit
Google Pay be like:
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
My current situation
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.