Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
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Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?