[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
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I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.