Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
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Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I created you as mosquito food.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m sorry…what?
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I really had high hopes for this year though
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson