never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
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Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?