In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
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the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Siri, fight Alexa.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter