Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
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Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy