every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
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Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…