Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
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Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Mmmm canned fish.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Saw online –
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers