God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
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No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.