I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
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Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.