People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
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Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
how it started vs how it ended
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?