Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
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If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
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1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice