If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
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Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me