6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
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I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
How times have changed.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.