I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
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My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.